Parents favour their youngest child - Telegraph
But how does this affect relationships with their mom? Before becoming the oldest child in the family, the firstborn child was an only child. Mothers can make extra efforts to bolster [their youngest children], to build them up. Why do mothers love their youngest daughter or son more than their elder child? parents, nor could I make the relationship into one that was more nurturing. Being the first child of the family, firstborns commonly have all the attention On these kind of relationship Youngest + Youngest = DISASTER.
Using Leman's book and the previous studies, we've identified the best and worst mates based on birth order. Remember, this is only a general guide and not all marriages and individuals will follow this pattern. If you are a firstborn Another firstborn According to a study by Walter Toman, a professor of Clinical Psychology at the University of Erlangen-Nuremberg in Germany, on 3, familiesyou have pretty good odds of a successful marriage if you're a firstborn who marries a lastborn.
Leman says that is because there's an opposites-attract thing going on. The firstborn is more Type A, and teaches the lastborn little things about organisation, whereas the lastborn helps keep the atmosphere light and reminds the firstborn not to take everything so seriously. According to the study, the best possible match is a firstborn female with a lastborn male, because their needs are in harmony with each other. Hillary and Bill Clinton are a famous firstborn couple.
They tend to bump heads because firstborns can be perfectionists and like having things done their own way, so it's all a matter of control. That doesn't mean you're doomed from the start, though. For example, Hillary and Bill Clinton, who have been married 41 years, are both firstborns. To learn to let go, Leman writes that you should stop trying to improve your spouse, and instead bite your tongue and stop criticising.
He also says that you should define your roles carefully, so there's no power play over who pays the bills or who does the shopping. Firstborn-middle child relationships can be confusing for firstborns, because middle children can be closed off and bad at communicating their feelings. Leman says that these couples should learn to open up to each other more, and firstborns should encourage middle children to speak by asking things like: Another middle child As the rule goes, Leman says, middle children do not communicate well, and this is twice as bad in a middle child partnership.
They don't tend to confront each other about things, because they feel it isn't worth the hassle, and instead bottle up their emotions. Middle children supposedly have the best track record for building a lasting marriage, because they grow up learning to compromise and negotiate with their siblings, according to Leman. However, this can be confusing to their partners because middle children can often hide their emotions instead of talking about what they really feel.
Compromising middle children are a good match for lastborns. Or, to keep things simple, just find little ways of building up each others' self-esteem by doing special things for each other. I counseled one couple where the perfectionist, critical husband complained incessantly until his wife told him, "Okay, you shop this week. Get rid of the we've got-to-do-it-my-way attitude.
The old cliche applies: There is more than one way to skin a cat and your way is not necessarily best. One of the best sentences any first-born perfectionist can learn to say to his or her first-born spouse is: Let's try it your way.
At the same time, the middle child can be a vexing paradox. Middle children grow up having to learn to negotiate, mediate, and compromise, but they can also be secretive and play it close to the vest with their emotions.
I have found that middle children typically will throw their first-born spouses a bone once in a while without letting them know how they really feel. Some practical suggestions for first borns married to middles include: Make it a point to have regular recaps and discuss feelings and what is happening. Do not let your spouse toss you a bone by saying, "Everything's fine. I know of one couple who did their recapping while discussing the sermon they had heard at church.
Discussing their spiritual beliefs and values was a way to open up about feelings that were bothering one or both of them.
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Make your spouse feel special. Remember that the middle-child husband or wife very likely did not grow up feeling special, so anything you do--small gifts, love notes, saying sincere little things he or she likes to hear--will touch the heart and strengthen your marriage. While the following applies to every birth order, it's especially good for the first-born husband of the middle-child wife to remember: Every day women ask in one way or another, "Do you really love me? Work on drawing out your middle-child spouse.
Keep in mind that as a first born your natural inclination is to give the answer, solve the problem. Instead, back off and ask, "What do you think? Middle borns are not only more perceptive, but they like the problem-solving role and smoothing a way for everyone. First Born Plus Last Born Equals Bliss Usually According to one study of three thousand families, the odds for a happy marriage increase a great deal when the first born hooks up with the last born. What is at work here is the opposites-attract-and-are-good-for-each-other factor.
The first born teaches the last born little things that may be lacking, such as being organized and having goals, while the last born helps the first born lighten up and not take an overly serious approach to life. According to the researchers, the best possible match you can find is the first-born female and the last-born male. I took no part in this research so I can't be accused of making this claim because that happens to be the match Sande, my first-born wife, and I have. I'm just very thankful it happened.
First-born females are often mothering types and last-born males often need mothering. I started out being fortunate to be the last-born brother of my first-born sister, Sally. Eight years older than I, she mothered me quite a bit and taught me a lot about women. For example, she taught me that girls don't like being approached by a bunch of boys who are show-offs--pushing each other, talking loudly, and doing stupid things that guys often do.
Sally also told me girls want a guy who is tender, understanding, and a listener, who realizes manners have not gone out of style. Most marriage counselors agree that men do not understand women very well.
The best marriage pairing based on birth order - Business Insider
So any extra learning a boy can get while growing up is going to help him later when he has a wife and family of his own. Of course in my case, I certainly didn't come into our marriage a finished product. I still needed some work, and Mama Bear was happy to oblige.
How Mama Bear Reformed Cubby Bear It may be a good rule of thumb to say any combination of first born and last born has a better chance for marital success than do other combinations, but success doesn't follow automatically.
Good marriages are made, not born. Two people must work together on being considerate, caring, and mutually supportive. Naturally the Cub took advantage of his new caregiver. Sande had to put up with my fussy eating habits and picking up my clothes after me wherever I dropped them. This went on through the early years of our marriage.
One day, while I was working on my doctorate, Sande heard me expostulating on how to discipline children and hold them accountable for their actions. If holding children accountable for their actions is good, holding a husband accountable might be even better, Sande thought. She went into action. Soon I found my little piles of clothing where I had left them. In no time the apartment became covered with my piles. Then came the day when I could not open the door because Sande had shoved a giant stack of my clothes against it to make room for whatever she was doing.
That got my attention. Sande and I had a long overdue talk and shared our feelings. You learn to pick up your own clothes and put them where they belong. Also, I'm going to fix different things for dinner. I expect you to at least try some new dishes.
You owe that much to yourself and to our children--if you want to be the good role model you keep talking about. Don't let the last-born spouse take advantage of you. Sande was gentle-spirited but firm.
Who you should marry based on your birth order
She started expecting me to be a leader in our home and take an active role in meeting responsibilities. At times, she reminded me of my high school English teacher--the one in whose class I never goofed off because I knew better. I even learned that changing diapers is not off-limits for a psychologist with a doctor's degree, and when our children started to arrive, I did my share of diapers, giving baths, and other baby care. In short, Mama Bear taught Papa Bear that parenthood isn't woman's work.
First borns prone to faultfinding must back off. If you want to find your last-born spouse's flaws, you certainly can because they are all over the place. Accept all the flaws you can or make gentle suggestions on how to correct them. And if you're the last born, remember not to flaunt your flaws in your first-born spouse's face. If you're a baby, remember others need the spotlight too. Last borns are notorious carrot-seekers as in, "Look at me, I'm performing--toss me a carrot.
Last borns must remember they are not a one-man team. Because they have that first-born spouse who is probably keeping things organized and running smoothly, last borns may go off on their impetuous own now and then--to buy something, schedule something, or just do something without letting their spouse know.
Parents favour their youngest child
One of the best bits of wisdom I ever received concerning marriage came from Dr. An only child, Dr. Dobson is scholarly, organized, conscientious, and reliable. So one day while Sande and I were having lunch with him, I asked, "Jim, if there was one bit of advice you could give me, what would it be? Dobson's advice applies to any birth-order marriage match, but it especially applied to the last-born Cub and Mama Bear!
I said to myself, If an only child with Jim Dobson's credentials thinks that's a good idea, then I do too!
I've tried to follow his advice ever since and it has always paid off. Middle Plus Middle Can Equal a Muddle As we have seen, two married middle children will probably not communicate well. They tend to feel it isn't worth the hassle to confront each other. They may also discount the value of their own opinions.
These attitudes are typical of middle children. One simple little device that I have used with great success when counseling a middle married to a middle is the suggestion bowl.
Place a clear bowl or jar in a prominent place where both of you can see it and deposit in it your suggestions. Keep pads of paper and pencils or pens handy.
The husband should use one color of paper; the wife another. When the husband wants to tell his wife something, he writes a suggestion on his pad and drops it into the bowl. And when the wife wants to give hubby a suggestion, she does the same. Some spouses--particularly men--think the suggestion bowl is too much of a crutch, but I talk them into trying it anyway because, the fact is, some of us simply can't look our mate in the eye and tell him or her what is on our mind.
Some other tips to keep the middle-child marriage healthy include: Build up each other's self-esteem. Middle children often have a poor to only fair self-image, so let each other know you appreciate the other's strengths and abilities.
Be sure to make sincere comments, not obvious pat-on-the-head remarks designed to flatter or manipulate. Provide plenty of space for outside friendships. Remember that as middle children you both are probably big on having friends and social acquaintances.
Encourage each other to make these kind of contacts, but only with the same sex. I know it's the '90s, but my files and the files of thousands of other counselors are full of examples of affairs that started because one spouse had a "special friend" of the opposite sex.
Do special things for each other. I've already mentioned this, but it bears repeating: Middle children usually don't grow up feeling very special because they are squeezed and ignored. You don't have to spend a lot of time or money. Love notes are always good. A single rose, a small bottle of cologne, a special dinner--it's definitely the thought, not the amount of money, that counts.
Above all, show each other mutual respect. You show respect when you telephone if you're running late; check with your spouse before making commitments; refrain from talking about your marriage in front of others; back each other up in front of the children, particularly on discipline matters; and never bad-mouth each other in the presence of others. Middle Child Plus Baby--a Pretty Good Match According to birth order studies, middle children and last borns rank right up there as potentially successful pairings for marriage.
The middle child, typically strong in negotiating and compromising, pairs up well with a socially outgoing baby of the family. And somewhat paradoxically, this kind of marriage has a high probability for good communication--sharing feelings and rolling with the punches. Yes, I know I said earlier that middle children tend to clam up and not share emotions, but the plus factor here is that middle children are not as threatened by babies of the family as they might be by meticulous exacting first borns.
So, the odds--and remember, all of these birth order pairing observations go by the odds--are good for decent communication. Here are some tips for making a fairly good blend even better: Middle-child spouses should work things out, but guard against being condescending. Last-born mates will smell that in a moment because people have been writing them off in a condescending way all their lives.
Blend your social interests with your last-born spouse's desire to have fun.